Thursday, October 19, 2006

Needs

I love the Breaking Free bible study. Even though I'm doing it for the second time, I still learn more and more from it. It was nice going to bible study, since I've missed the last two weeks. It's nice to know that there was a group of people praying for my dad. I totally believe God intervened on my dad's part several times during the whole preparation for the surgery as well as the surgery itself. First, there was the surgery cancellation which gave my dad a spot for surgery more than a month earlier. And who wants to be in the hospital having surgery a day before Thanksgiving? Then there was his potassium levels that they caught 24 hours before his surgery, so he was barely able to have the surgery because of the potassium supplements. His levels were 3.2, and if they were lower than 3.0, they would have had to cancel the surgery. Then the surgery itself! What a miracle! The doctors were expecting the surgery to last for 3 hours, and it went so well it took them 1 and a half hours! And now my dad is nicely drugged in the hospital, doing well. Praise God!

In bible study last night the topic was broken hearts, and how Jesus is the ultimate Healer. I firmly, firmly believe that. I also believe that God places things in front of our faces to remind us of what we still need to ask for healing in. For example, I haven't spoken to Dewayne in about 3 years. I've moved on, gotten married, had another baby, and I'm happy! Out of the blue in February, Mira gets a birthday card from him. Upon reading the card, all of the hurt, the anger, the disgust, it just spilled out. I was SO upset. I called up my friend Michelle and was reading the card to her over the phone. Before, I felt justified to be angry with him because of our past. But, after I read it I just felt..deflated. I knew I shouldn't feel like that, I knew there was no reason to get as upset as I did over that. Michelle was honest and told me that this card may be what I needed to see how angry I still was toward him, how I haven't forgiven Dewayne, and how this could hold me in bondage for as long as I keep this inside me. Gotta love her. Well, that day, that hour, I asked God to please, please please help me to truly forigve Dewayne, not to dwell on the past, and to take away that anger I had. Not because my friend told me, "wow Cathy, you have so much anger, you gotta get rid of that." Because I needed to be healed, to stop the hurt, the anger from infecting any other part of my life. And He did. Now I can look back and see how the hurt did affect my life. I confess that, before, sometimes when Mira smiled a certain way I saw Dewayne's traits, and I wished she didn't look so much like him at those times. Without the anger, I just love it when she smiles regardless of the traits that come out. She has a beautiful, contagious smile. To this day, I can say that I wish Dewayne the best, and I truly, truly mean that. I don't feel anger towards him at all.The only thing I feel toward Dewayne is sadness because he will miss knowing a very caring, bright, funny little girl, his own daughter. I am so grateful for my husband and how he provides Mira a loving, caring daddy that won't ever abandon her. Even though they aren't blood related, they're heart related.

In the Breaking Free video, Beth Moore talks about how, when certain things happen in our lives, we develop needs. This can range to females straining to find love and affection in guys for whatever reason, to males needing space from a smothering relationship, you get the picture. One of my annoying "needs" is the need to feel attractive. And no, my parents had nothing to do with this. Everyone wants to feel wanted and attractive. I was a chubby kid until about junior high, but even when I slimmed down I always felt like someone else was prettier than me. My friends had boyfriends, and I didn't. Yadda yadda. A million girls can relate. But when a guy came along that thought I was attractive, I kinda clung on to him..like a mosquito to the buffalo. Even today, I always ask Bob, "How do I look? Do I look okay?" and then I comment on how not attractive I am. He gets tired of it. Another annoying "need" is to feel wanted. And yes, my parents made me feel wanted, this has nothing to do with them. This kind of goes hand in hand with feeling attractive. If I feel like my husband doesn't want me, then I don't feel attractive. Bob gets tired of this too. So basicly these two needs aren't met. I'm not blaming Bob at all, it's me. The only one who can fill all my needs all the time is my Lord. He never tires of fulfilling my needs and when I ask Him to fill them in the morning, I can be full, satisfied. And then the rest of it, like compliments from hubby or my children or someone, is just gravy (as Beth Moore puts it) or pecan topping. My God never makes me feel unwanted, and He makes me feel beautiful. If I ask for my needs to be filled in the morning, then by the time I go to bed at night I don't feel like I was lacking anything that day.

The video ended with something that hit me close to home. She simply said, "Let your spouse off the hook for not being God." Everyone gets disappointed by someone. I can't expect perfection from Bob, but I'm sure sometimes he feels like I do. And I probably do. It was just real eye-opening for me, from that simple statement, that it was completely unfair of me to expect Bob to be perfect and to fill all my needs and be sad and mad if he didn't. God wants me to turn to Him for all of that. Bob supports me emotionally and physically, but, even if Bob tried doing everything right, he would fall short to satisfy my needs. People talk about how they feel so empty inside and they don't know why, or they aren't satisfied with their life even when they have so much. God designed us to need him, to fill that empty void people have. Instead of filling the void with "needs" like more money or a bigger house or a nicer car or more friends or a relationship, fill it up with God, and then the rest are just blessings in your life. Your pecan topping. Those other needs are disappointments waiting to happen because they will never fill your spirit, but God will never disappoint you, just ask Him to fill you. I realize that I need to focus on Bob as a blessing, not a requirement to my happiness. Bob shouldn't be my God, he should be my gravy.

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