Sunday, October 15, 2006

Overthinking

My husband pointed something out to me today, that I overthink things. Everything is how he put it, but he's also Mr. Exaggerate. Come to think of it, maybe I do. For example, I told my husband that I was going to take a nap. Before I told him this though, I went through a list in my head: What needed to be done before I took a nap? How tired was I? What could I do instead of taking a nap? How long should I take a nap? Is there any reason why I shouldn't take a nap? And then I start my list of why I feel justified taking a nap and why I could feel guilty taking a nap. When I was about to tell Bob I was going to take a nap he was busy cleaning the garage, which started a whole new weighing of the pros and cons of whether or not a nap was a good idea. Does he think I need to clean up more because he is? Maybe he'll think I'm lazy if I do. When I finally told him, I attached a lengthy justification onto my I-am-taking-a-nap statement. In the middle of it, he stops me and says, "Cathy, go and take a nap. It's okay. You overthink everything."

This got me thinking. More. Could this be the reason why I get so easily frustrated? Like when my toddler gets into everything and makes a mess and then I think about how hard I cleaned earlier and how many times I have to clean up after him for the rest of the day and I how I wish he wouldn't toss all the plastic sandwich bags on the floor and so on.

For the past month or so, I haven't really been myself. Very short, frustration just a split second away. I mean, today I was so upset I started crying not once..twice! And what got me this upset? Timmy getting into stuff after I just cleaned, and...losing the remote control. I couldn't find it. I actually wasted tears on this! Sunday night television is definitely not important to me, and I wasn't crying because I wanted to watch t.v. and I couldn't change the channels. I know that I was definitely overthinking big time while I was searching for the remote. Things that I really don't mean to think, if you know what I mean. I was thinking about stuff like Bob was in the garage, and he doesn't care that I am looking for remotes and the next time he wants me help him find something, well, too bad for him. I really don't mean that!

In the last month, I've started a new job, which in no way whatsoever is stressful. It's really great, in fact. What has also changed is not going to church regularly. I think there lies the answer. I get such a refreshing feeling when I go to church on Sunday, and by next Sunday I am in need of another. My husband has told me more than once, "Go to church Cathy, you seem much happier when you do." Today, I didn't go to church. Why? That's the thing! There was no reason why I didn't go to church today. My daughter told me she didn't want to go to church, and I said, ok. I gave myself excuses, such as, "Oh, it's raining, you don't want to drive in the rain in Portland, because you know you got into a car accident over there." I got into a car accident over a year ago, and I'm not traumatized over it. It was a lame excuse, but it got me to stay home. I went to One Night With The King last night with my group of friends from church, and it was so much fun! I had every intention of going to church yesterday and the day before. But when it gets to Sunday morning, I don't know what happens. What I really need to do is pray about it. Make a point to talk to my church friends this week. Ask for prayer for..whatever I'm dealing with.

I am participating in Beth Moore's Breaking Free bible study, which is life changing for me. I LOVE it. One of the chapters talk about confessing your sins to the Lord. Confessing doesn't mean listing all the things you did wrong that day. Confessing means being sincerely sorry for what you did. Before reading this chapter, it wasn't unusual for me to pray like this: "Lord, please forgive me for , I was having a really hard day today and I didn't get much sleep and ," etc. What was I trying to do, bargain with God? He sits up there listening to my silly "confession" thinking, "Cathy, you are absolutely right, you barely slept and stuff has been hard on you, I forgive you." No way. Beth Moore writes, Confession is when you see your sin from God's point of view. There are no excuses for sinning. And a confession that comes with an excuse is really no confession at all, because in your heart you don't see your sin as a big deal, you don't really think you did anything wrong. Now, I could confess with my mouth and say all the right things to God, no excuses said outloud, but maybe I have excuses in my heart. Hah, God doesn't listen to my words, but looks straight into my heart. When I am deeply, deeply sorry for a sin, sometimes I don't say anything other than, "Please forgive me God, please forgive me." At that point, I don't overthink anything. I don't overthink about the situation I am pleading about. If I do, then I'll find some excuse to cover my sin with.

God's point of view doesn't need to be complicated with a lot of overthinking. Either I sinned or I didn't. I have sinned by not going to church because I KNOW that it's the best thing I can do for myself right now. I know God would want me in church, and not at home to get frustrated or pick and nag at Bob. So tonight, I will ask for forgiveness. Knowing that He will grant me forgiveness doesn't take away my conviction of wanting to tell Him how sorry I am for letting Him down. It's comforting to know that He already knows how I feel. This overthinking stuff is very taxing, exhausting and I have to stop. No more crying episodes! If this is supposed to get me motivated to go back to church and really focus on God thoughts instead of my own pointless overthoughts, then it's worth it. Well, next Sunday will be different. Honestly, I can't miss next Sunday because I have to work in the kids room that day. But it's a start.

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